I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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