I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
