you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
