You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
