You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
