so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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