if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
