the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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