my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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