I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
