Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
