I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
