I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize