"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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