I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
