FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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