I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
