I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
