He uses pillows to masturbate.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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