Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
