I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
