i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
