I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
