i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
