I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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