Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
