You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize