What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Randomize