what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
