i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
whose parrot is this?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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