if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
