why didn't you poke me back
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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