I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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