I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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