Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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