I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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