I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
