Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
