So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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