you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
