I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
this is an emotional support booty call
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
