Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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