Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
