She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
