he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
