i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
