I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
