we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
