We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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