theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
