Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
