what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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