my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize