The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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