There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
