Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
