i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize