sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
