Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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