so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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